This marriage needs to end, but I don’t know where to start. How do I begin?
I suggest starting by researching your process options. By that I mean, what dispute resolution process do you want to use to help you get through your divorce? They vary significantly, so it is worth putting in some effort up front to figure out which way you want to go. Litigation? Mediation? Collaborative Law?
To learn about Collaborative Law, check the websites of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, the Collaborative Professionals of Washington, and King County Collaborative Law. All of those sites have useful information for the public, plus links to other resources and to trained lawyers, financial specialists and coaches. There are also books on Collaborative Law, some of which are listed here on mathewsonlaw.com. To learn about mediation, go to the website of the Academy of Professional Family Mediators. Select the drop-down menu for “Publications” and then “Articles for Everyone.”
When you are feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, it is a good time to check in with an attorney, somebody who can help talk you through your process options. Select an attorney who is trained in Collaborative Law and mediation because those are the attorneys who will give you a broad perspective on the choices available to you. When you feel ready, have a conversation with your spouse. Try to discuss just the process the two of you are going to choose to get through your divorce. Hold off on the substantive issues. Don’t start negotiating; focus on process only. Collaborative attorneys, myself included, often will invite both spouses to an initial conversation about process only so that both can hear the options explained and ask questions together. Alternatively, you might meet with one lawyer and your spouse with another.
Ask yourselves, how do we want to do this? Do we want to stay out of court? How well do we communicate on our own? Do we need a lot of help, or just a little? Are we in similar places emotionally, or are we far apart? Do we both understand our finances, or does one of us need time to learn? How are we doing as parents? Is one of us in tune with the kids more than the other? Do we need support in becoming the best parents we can be?
Consider, too, how you and your spouse have dealt with conflict during your marriage. Do you feel you have the ability to empathize with one another, even if you haven’t always managed your disagreements very well? If you have lost all respect and concern for one another, then Collaborative Law might not be for you, because it will feel like a very heavy lift. But if you still care, or if you have children and you know they still care, then Collaborative Law might appeal to you.